I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just blew my weed a kiss
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
