how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
