Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
