she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
