Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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