Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have feelings that need drinking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
