Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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