I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
