just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
