Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
