she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
