it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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