Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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