I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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