I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
