You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
