I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
