If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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