how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
