this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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