I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
pop tarts are not kleenex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
