I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
