I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
