My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
