He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
