so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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