I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
