wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
