At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Life is so much better after having sex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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