we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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