one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
