I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
