I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
