Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
