i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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