White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
