i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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