Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
