Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You're like the curious george of whores
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
