Soap is not a condiment
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
