I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
ttyl tear gas
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize