Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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