well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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