and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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