Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How does it feel to date your dad?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
