So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found your dick twin last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
