It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
