I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
