meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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