Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
