and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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