if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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