Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
