You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
