I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
