I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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