All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
