So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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